permission

I despise conflict, which is probably why I have always enjoyed the company of animals; working with them, spending time with them. It's hard to have an argument with a cat, though I do, frequently. Usually about the appropriateness of the timing of a requested hug. The cats and I fight about the timing of attention seeking a lot. My life, it's awful.

Over the years I have worked for various organisations in all sorts of positions. Sometimes I have left because of boredom. Other times I have left because I like to be paid for the work I do (call me crazy). Once I left because it seemed that there wasn't enough room for someone like me. Someone like me being, I don't know, too sure of herself? Too brave? Too clever? I'm still not sure.

In relationships I have left because I was no longer in love.

Leaving causes conflict. Be it a job or a relationship. Sometimes staying caused the initial conflict, and the leaving conflict is the only way any of the conflict will ever end. As a result of the conflict that I have experienced in my life, the kinds of conflict and the way that conflict has played out, I am now proper terrified of arguments, disagreements, decisions, and, well, people in general.

Mostly I am terrified not so much of being wrong, because it's often not about that. What I'm scared of is people using me and not caring about the impact their actions might have on me. Something I have come to realise is that too often I'm viewed as a pawn in some egocentric wankers master plan for world domination, be it as their employee or their mistress, their ironing lady or their 'friend'.

It's made me scared of people. Of life. Of anything that requires communication with people on anything other than a "Hello" basis. You might imagine this isn't very helpful. You would be right.

What I am wondering, though, is should I force myself into situations that cause me anxiety, or should I pursue a life that's safer for me emotionally?

I ask, because it's affecting my work. It is really hard for me to go to peoples houses, talk about their weddings, accept their money and then turn up on the day. I do it because at the moment, I haven't focused my energy on a different avenue for paid work and paid work is what we are aiming at here in the Bargain-Hen household.

I guess I'm asking if it's OK to chase your dreams if it means that things might have a slower take off than they otherwise would have? I would be the first to advise a friend to chase their dreams if they had the opportunity to do so without starving, but I struggle in giving myself that permission.

Who am I asking?

I don't know, really. The Internet. Life. God. You?