While I wait for Microsoft Visual Web Developer 2005 to download (again), I thought I might take some time off from my usual work avoidance techniques of surfing the web and watching recorded episodes of 'Medium' and indulge in the ultimate shirking task; blogging.

Today I would like to talk about how I struggle with wanting the best for my husbands ex-wife.

Common sense tells me that his ex would be a lot happier if she had a partner. A man to share her life with. Common sense tells me that if she had this imagined partner she would be free to move on and have more IVF, something she is desperate to do. She could fill her world with all those children she desperately wants and could focus on the shortcomings of some other poor man. That perhaps if she had someone else cocking up right there in front of her she'd be less inclined to spend so much time making up shit to blame my husband for.

However, common sense and my dark black soul don't exactly see eye to eye.

LB's (Lover Boy? Lovely Boy? Lusty Boy?) ex has caused him so much pain over the past four years that I struggle with a daily battle of extreme animosity toward her. Despite knowing that a good relationship could go a long way toward healing his ex of her anger, and in turn perhaps leading toward a more harmonious relationship for her and LB, I just can't bring myself to truly want it for her.

I know it's wrong. I know it's bad. And I know it's normal.

Just because we don't blog about her any more doesn't mean she hasn't gone away or that she's gotten better. In fact, her behaviour has steadily deteriorated to 'unbelievable'. It's just that we try not to let it eat us alive any more. Because just when we think she's stooped as low as she can go, she surprises us by demonstrating a whole new lowly depth.

I know she's angry. I know she's hurting. I know she's mad.

But that doesn't make her behaviour OK.

A few years ago LB told the story of how his relationship came to an end and he wears the blame like a badge. The thing is, of what I understand of relationships, of the ones that begin, of the ones that continue and of the ones that end, is that rarely no one is solely to blame when things go wrong. There are exceptions, of course, and they prove the rule. But in good ol' run o' the mill relationship break downs, there has to be a good dose of give and take when it comes to blame.

Example: At 18 I had a 2.5 year on again/off again relationship with a shit head. He was older and should have known better and I was so angry at him for such a long time. But the real healing came when I admitted to myself that I was really immature and too proud to listen to the good people around me. And I paid the price.
After I accepted that I had also contributed to what was in essence a really rubbish relationship, I was free to move on in my head. These days I am pretty ambivalent about the guy and when I think about him I feel nothing. I read today that it's OK not to be able to 'forgive' a person, but that you really need to 'cease to feel resentment against them' to be able to get on with a happy life. This couldn't ring more true for me.

Example: At 21 I had a 2 year on again/off again relationship with a Doozer. I knew we weren't headed any where and that I was emotionally more responsible for him than he was me. But I was a coward and took ages to set him free. I finally did, and was faced with his wrath for months. I took a lot of responsibility for that anger, but in the end I accepted that I couldn't do any more for him. He needed to take some personal responsibility for his own happiness (or unhappiness. Whichever). I could see then how debilitating it is for a person not to let go of anger toward another. I learnt a lot about how we should treat others from how he treated me in the time after our break-up.

Example: I had a husband for almost 7 years. When compared to other peoples divorces the one I shared with Troy was a walk in the park. Part of that was because we both took serious responsibility for the things that contributed to our relationship failing. I accepted that in the latter quarter I had been a rubbish wife. Listening to his accusations was hard, but by God, did I listen to them. And he did me the service of listening to and accepting mine of him. I know what it is to want good things to happen ot a person because I feel it for Troy and he feels it for me.

So here I am, wishing that his ex would just get over her anger and resentment and pain and accept some personal responsibility, otherwise she is never going to move on. I know all this like I know that the sky is blue. But at them moment I am unable to will good things toward her.

What do others think about this? It's a bit esoteric, but can the negative thought process or will of one person affect the life of another? Can the 'bad vibes' I feel for LB's ex be contributing to her continued run of unhappiness? She doesn't see me or speak to me. She doesn't know how I feel about her. I have never told her I don't like her.

Or does this thought process just display an over-abundance of id on my behalf?!